The Way to Unconditional Love With Your Spouse

Anyone read the book called "The Love Dare" from the hit movie Fireproof? The tag line for the movie was "never leave your partner behind" and I think it is so fitting with the niche I am trying to reach: spouses of First Responders with PTSD(I). Although the movie depicts the life of a firefighter with addictions, the whole premise behind the movie is about the marriage as an institution of unconditional love. I did watch the movie and even bought it. I was so moved by its' contents that I reached out to the producers who emailed me back. They were very appreciative of learning about my marriage struggles and thanked me for being so open about it.

Fast forward to 2020 I reflect back on where I was in my marriage 12 years ago and how that little book and movie planted the seed for learning to love and listen more effectively. Basically the Love Dare became a marriage course that many churches used to challenge couples to practice unconditional love. The interesting thing for me was that my husband tried the Love Dave on me and I did on him without telling each other. Initially I was very reserved and on guard because I had already shut down in the marriage and thought that if I could just get through raising the boys to an ideal age I would make the move to leave the relationship. The Love Dare was a 40-day challenge that focused on a specific topic about love including specific tasks that related to that topic. For example, learning about love being patient you were then asked to restrain yourself from saying anything negative. This was one of the hardest tasks for me, but some of the other dares were not as difficult, such as, doing something out of the ordinary for your spouse like washing the car, cleaning the kitchen or taking the garbage out. The participant was then asked to journal their experience as well journal observations they noticed in their spouse's response. I think you can still purchase this book and I truly believe it is a fantastic exercise for anyone feeling that their marriage maybe going in the wrong direction and is willing to put the work in required to make it healthy and strong. Here is a little segment of the Fireproof movie that discusses the Love Dave concept.

As a life long learner I realized after doing this Love Dare that some of the tasks really helped me have deeper feelings for my husband, but some of them did not. I actually thought it was my fault and that I was cold and insensitive for not appreciating his kind gestures. Then I found out about Gary Chapman and The 5 Love Languages and it all made sense. If you are in a relationship I highly recommend that you go to his website and take the test to find out what your love language is www.5lovelanguages.com . This important information will help you understand why you feel and react the way you do. It will also help your spouse understand how to interact with you based on your love language.

There are 5 love languages:

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Receiving Gifts

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch

I took the test and found out that my number one love language was a tie between quality time and physical touch. I am happy to share that COVID has not caused any problems between my spouse and I since this whole pandemic started, but some couples are not so lucky. I genuinely enjoy his company and feel most happy when we hold hands and embrace in romantic gestures. The challenge however is that he is a very private person and never likes to show affection in public. This was especially true when I visited the firehall. We fought a lot about that in the early years of our marriage because I misinterpreted his unwillingness and apprehension to show me affection as not being attracted to me. In reality he was just shy, but if we had communicated effectively I would have understood his feelings and not pushed it. My husbands number one love language is words of affirmation followed by quality time. Although I do my best to make him feel loved and appreciated, I still have a difficult time saying "I love you". I am still working on this daily.

In Gary Chapman's book he shared that "we must be willing to learn our spouse's primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love". To all of those couples out there who do not communicate and have the added stress of dealing with PTSD, the diagnosis just adds fuel to the fire. It wasn't until recently that my husband told me that he had regular nightmares back then, and I was really shocked. I guess since I was sleeping and never really asked him how he was doing he experienced it silently. When I recall the years that he would fall asleep all the time during the day I would get mad because I thought he was lazy, but little did I know what he was going through because we had not mastered the art of communication effectively.

Now 28 years later and many years of trial and error we are pretty good at reading each others' quirks, body language and thoughts. During my life coaching training I was asked to practice relationship techniques with something called Love Maps from the Gottman Institute. Guess who I picked - my husband. The Gottman Institute is the guru of relationship research and explains a concept called the "Sound Relationship House". If you think of a house and how it needs a solid foundation and walls before you can add levels and a roof, they use this analogy to explain how relationships also need a solid foundation and walls of trust to ensure strong and effective relationships. "The principle of building love maps is simply knowing the little things about your partner's life to create a strong foundation for your friendship and intimacy". Love maps are so important for various reasons:

1. Being emotionally intelligent as a couple allows you to be intimately familiar with each others' worlds

2. Without a road map you can't really know your partner

3. If you don't know them how can you truly love them

4. Couples who have detailed love maps of each others' worlds are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict.

You need to stay in the habit of keeping up to date and aware of your spouse's wiring. Just like the latest trend in technology, staying abreast of your spouses interests and how they may change over time can prevent your marriage from going off course. Here are some questions to help you start building your own love map:

1. Name my two closest friends

2. What was I wearing when we first met?

3. Name one of my hobbies

4. What stresses am I facing right now?

5. Describe in detail what I did today or yesterday?

6. What is my fondest unrealized dream?

7. What is one of my greatest fears or disaster scenarios?

8. What was my most embarrassing moment?

9. What is my favorite restaurant?

10. What is one my favorite ways to be soothed?

If you are interested in connecting with me to find out more about what I do please contact me at www.pollockcoaching.com or like me on @pollockcoaching or FB pollock coaching