When Your Mentor is a 1600 Pound Badass Female

Today I spent the morning hanging out with seven incredible creatures, each over 1500 pounds of muscle. I participated in what is called Equine Assisted Learning and it was an emotional roller coaster filled with many "aha" moments. The facilitator and I started the session sitting in our chairs outside the paddock area. She asked me to focus more on what the horses were doing and less connection with her. She continued to explain that as the facilitator she maybe asking the questions, but ultimately the horses are the front line workers.

Anne asked me to ground myself by placing both feet on the ground and to indicate when I was present and ready to engage. After just completing my level one yoga training I immediately focused on my breath starting from the belly button to the rib cage into the chest. I was ready but very apprehensive and nervous. I knew these creatures were very intuitive, but I also knew that they don't hold anything back and can be brutally honest; it is not in their nature not to tell it like it is. Over the last eight months I have worked on personal growth, but performance has always been a trigger for me. Are these beautiful, powerful creatures going to tell me I am a joke and trying to be more than I am capable of being? Are they going to tell me that I am fake and that no one is going to want to be coached by me?

Anne started to ask me about the herd and the formations they were making. It was very interesting how they all moved around in sync with each other. When one moved one would go in the other direction. Anne asked me which one of the herd truly resonated with and and I immediately focused on the Gypsy Vanner.

It was his colour, his size and the powerful neck and hind quarters that made me choose him. The feathering on his legs and gorgeous flowing mane was what drew my attention. I used the word "unique" to describe Watson because I try not to conform and always strive to be different in all I do. The Life Coaching journey has made me realize how "fake" I have been feeling posting on social media in the hopes that what I share will resonate with someone and they will request my services. It confirmed with me that I need to be using the information I learned over the past six months in a different way that is true to myself. This is still a work in progress. What I was not aware of was Xena a beautiful paint kept hanging around when Anne and I talking.

Xena would mostly stay by herself, but the interesting thing was the rest of the herd were grazing around her. She would then connect with the rest of the herd and then eventually walk off by herself. Anne asked me about a particular cluster of horses that always seemed to must around Xena. A white Percheron who stood out with power and strength. I noticed that one of the other horses never left its' side. They were stuck like glue. Anne asked me what that cluster example might represent in my own life and immediately thought of Dave and I. Twenty-eight years married this year and always together, but how does Xena enter the equation? What does she represent in my life? What I learned from this experience is that horses are pack animals and there is no alpha in the group because they work as a team. When one is not available to lead the pack another will take over. So what does this have to do with me? Read on to find out.

The next part of the session involved me taking my chair and placing it inside the paddock around the horses. Now you must be thinking I am absolutely crazy to do this, but I was not scared at all. Since I was grounded and engaged in the experience I was more intrigued to find out what was going to happen. I was also a little skeptical because Anne was in the paddock with me and I figured they were really hanging around because she was there. However, Anne explained that she tries to stay out of the way and on the sidelines and really has nothing to do with what the horses do in the paddock, but I was grateful she was there just in case something bazaar happened.

I put my chair closer to the water trough because I figured being such a warm day one of them was bound to come for a drink of water and perhaps I would get to interact with one of them, but it did not happen that way. A few of them went to drink behind me, but I noticed that Xena was always the closest. Then all of a sudden some of the others started to gradually move closer to me while they grazed until I realized that they all were creating a semi-circle around me. It was at this time that Anne told me that I was now actually part of the herd. Wow! what a privilege it was to be called part of their herd because they had accepted me. Originally I thought they would not come anywhere near me because they would sense my anxiety. Being hyper vigilant beings they are extremely intuitive to the energy that humans give off. Xena was still the closest and getting closer and closer to the point that I was getting a little nervous. She was behind my chair but still grazing away all 1600 pounds of her. I started scratching her ear and then the most amazing thing happened.

All I remember was that she let out the biggest snort and she literally pushed me over in my chair as she walked past me. It was like she was letting me know that she acknowledged me and that she had my back. None of the other horses had come to me at that time. It was a surreal moment as I listened to them tearing at the grass and grinding the blades with their teeth. The smell of horse and manure and the clicking of their joints as well as the crickets - what an amazing sensory experience and the best white noise I had ever experienced. I wish I had a recording of this to play back when trying to ground myself after a stressful day while practicing self-care. This would be my go to meditation every day.

Anne asked me if I had noticed some of the behaviors including snorting, defecating and passing gas. Is that not what all animals do? She found it quite interesting that they were doing it all at the same time which led Anne to believe that there had been an energy shift from me that made them release themselves. This horse called Xena started to capture my attention and poor Watson had not been given another thought. What is it about her that really has me intrigued? She goes where ever she wants in the paddock, but everyone follows her, but they never crowd her and gives her space. What is that all about I kept asking myself? Then she would meander over to the two horses that reminded me of Dave and I and then she would go off on her own. "What are you thinking?" Anne asked me. "She gets to make her own decisions doesn't she and she goes where she wants to go," I said. No one gets in her way and she always had other horses near by in case she needs them. Bam! there was my "aha" moment. Is that a reflection of who I am? I need to have my space, but my family are never far away and always available if I need them.

Next the two horses representing Dave and I starting grooming themselves. They would rub each others necks with their muzzles at areas on their bodies that they could clearly not reach themselves. Anne mentioned that self-care is important and their behavior resonated with my desire to educate others on the importance of self-care through my life coaching business. Bam! another "aha" moment! The practice of grooming, scratching and nudging in a herd demonstrates respect, compassion and family and being there for each other when you need them most. I guess you can say that both Dave and I have done that for each other the last few years. I have been his rock during the many times he has experienced nightmares and he has been my rock when I left my last employer. I have been struggling with whether to stay in the family home or to seek refuge with family while we deal with and manage the issues of PTSD. This experience has made me realize that leaving is not the answer and that we do need each other while we navigate this bumpy part of our marriage journey.

The most significant part of the experience was when Anne asked me to stand in the middle of the paddock. One of the quarter horses skimmed right by me and allowed me to pet and massage his neck. Xena continued to be a strong presence with the other herd members close by. They had created a circle formation with me in the middle and again I was part of their herd. I was confused initially because I was drawn to the Gypsy Vanner, but Xena stuck by me. It was like she was protecting me. I kept looking at her with awe because she showed confidence, power and basically a badass women with her own autonomy who is able to make her own decisions. she is respectful but communicates well and is assertive in her approach. We all know that some women can come across "bitchy" when really they are showing their assertiveness. Xena made me fully aware that I am resonating with her because I want to be that confident, assertive badass women even though I don't feel it inside.

Anne recognized the connection I had with her and suggested that I go up to Xena and start interacting with her. I wasn't frightened in the least and the closer I got to her I realized how massive a presence she was. Her hooves were huge and I knew one stomp of those beauties on me could do some serious damage. She did not stop grazing so I reached out and stroked her neck, scratched her ears and ran my fingers through her mane. I made sure that I approached her from the side and front so she was not startled. I moved around to her left side and in an instant she turned her whole body in a curling motion, almost like she was giving me a hug. Then she walked about two feet away from me and started to quiver, shake and bend her knees. I looked at Anne a bit worried that she was in distress, but Anne was almost in tears. Holy shit! did this horse just give me a hug? What is she doing now, literally two feet away from me? She painstakingly lowered to the ground and started rolling around in the grass. I immediately got a huge lump in my throat because Anne was so shocked by this experience. She had never seen Xena do this before. As a senior horse it is very difficult for her to go to the ground so she does not do it very often. She allowed herself to be completely and utterly vulnerable in front of me. I resonated with her challenge to get on the ground. The groaning sounds she made reminded me of the many tears I have shed over my marriage and relationship issues.

About five feet away from Xena what happened next was that the Gypsy Vanner named Watson went down and started rolling and then the quarter horse that skimmed by me went down as well. It was an experience I will never forget. I cannot even begin to explain the feeling after this, but my confidence was through the roof. Here I was worried about being fake and being shown how much of a hypocrite I may be with what I have been working towards that last 8 months. This experience solidified that I am going in the right direction and God willing my dreams of working with horses and first responders with PTSD might actually happen after all. I felt empowered by the whole experience and realized that I have so much to offer. I need to start owning my confidence and assertiveness, while establishing boundaries in a respectful way. Who would have known that an hour spent with horses would result in so many "aha" moments about who I am and what I want to be. The bond between a horse and human is nothing short of amazing. Thank you Xena, Watson, Anne and the herd for an incredible experience that I will never forget.