What Every Fire Fighter's Wife Might Want to Know

Do you love your Fire Fighter? Of course you do; what a stupid question! Well, it is not really a stupid question because if you have experienced what is involved in supporting your First Responder, there may have been many days that you did not love them. Fire Fighters are usually practical, but accompanied with a high expectation for success. They don’t take failure easily, and as a result can be very hard on themselves. We all know as spouses that for Fire Fighters taking risks is not only what they do, but who they are. As a result what they experience becomes internalized to the point that they have a hard time putting their feelings into words. I am married to a Canadian Fire Fighter who has been retired for over three years. Like all marriages there have been many ups and downs, but we have soldiered on and continue to work through the common issues that Fire Fighter families endure.

For the first 4 years on the job I remember waiting patiently for my Fire Fighter to finish his ten-hour shift so that we could celebrate Christmas together. Being the rookie and the kind person he was, he changed shifts with those who had young families so they could be together over the holiday season. Seniority certainly paid off ten years into the job when he never had to work Christmas or New Year ever again. The shifts were not bad initially because it was only ten-hour days and fourteen-hour nights. It was hard being alone at night and I don’t know about you, but boy everything seemed to go wrong when he was on shift. From the carbon monoxide detector going off all night to the dish washer springing a leak into the basement, I quickly learned to manage and navigate my own emergencies and I am proud to say that I have become a resilient person over the years. It is part of the job of being married to a First Responder.

My husband was half-way through his career when they introduced the 24 hours shifts. The research indicated that being on shift for that length of time would help regulate their sleep and that First Responders on a 24 hour shift rotation would be home more. At the beginning it was great, but unfortunately the 24 hour shifts triggered the problems we began to face. It wasn’t until he was away from home for 24 hours that he started to miss the safety of his family and this became a huge stressor for him. In my opinion, before the 24-hour shift change, he was able to manage the traumatic events he witnessed and even though he was having nightmares he kept himself busy by working and looking after the household. Being at the fire hall for that length of time allowed him to remunerate on events that were too awful to talk about. It had been drilled in his head from the first day on shift that what happens at work stays at work and never to bring it home.

For me I think the 24 hours brought on feelings of resentment because I was having to be both father and mother to our two boys. From taking them to either daycare or school, then going to work myself, while managing the house I had become very selfish and resented my husband going to work. We never lived far from the fire hall so I would visit with the boys almost every shift, but once we moved 45 minutes away it became harder and harder to keep the commitment. That is when the phone calls started between 4 to 5 times per day. I used to get so angry because he would always call when it was the most inconvenient time for me. As I write this blog large waves of guilt come over me as I am reminded of how insensitive I was to his needs back then, but little did I know that I was also struggling with my own mental health due to compassion fatigue.

I started to notice that he did not want to go to work. He dreaded the 24 hours shifts and had a really difficult time being away from his family so he started to call in sick. When he was at work he called so many times that I started to think he was checking up on me and that he did not trust me with our kids. I would start to ignore his calls just to get some sanity. By this time my husband had been on the department around 18 years and was an expert in Haz Mat. As a third generation Fire Fighter he took his job very seriously and breathed the Fire Fighter life. But as you can see one of the most common complaints Fire Fighter families share is lack of communication: This was our number one problem as well. My husband had coped over the years by turning off his emotions at work, and as a result found it difficult to turn them back on when he got home. I was starving emotionally and shut down as my own way of coping with our communication issues.

I believe that families are the true First Responders or as some call the “silent heroes” because they are the ones to spot sleeping problems, changes in appetite or mood. Our number one problem was that my husband never slept. When he came home from being on shift he would be wired and needed some time to settle, which resulted in falling asleep on the couch. This infuriated me because I could not understand why he could not go to bed and sleep properly. Fire Fighters rarely sleep well. My husband would wake up with every noise and then would have a hard time falling back to sleep. He would never allow himself anything more than a restless catnap of two hours or less. There is a consequence to this in terms of fatigue, loss of concentration, impaired reaction-time, irritability and fuzzy thinking. I used to get so angry with people who would make comments about how much time Fire Fighters have off from work. I had to educate them on how hard it is to regulate sleep and how difficult it is to be away from home for that length of time. To this day after being retired for over three years, he is still not getting full night sleeps and as a result does not get the proper amount of REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep needed.

Then the anger started. He would start yelling at people who would be driving fast down our street or would become very reactive to me, which made me a little frightened of his anger. I learned to shut down and ignore him when he became angry: This was my coping mechanism. Our relationship was becoming very strained. Although he possessed all the qualities a woman could ask for with good looks, amazing physique and the ability and desire to help others and absolutely adored his family, I still threatened many times to leave. This made him paranoid and more hyper-vigilant to not want to go to work in case I would not be there when he came home. It was about 10 years before retirement that things came to a head. I had had enough and was very unhappy because we did not communicate and I did not feel emotionally supported. I decided to spend some time with my parents. By this time our two boys were old enough to know what was going on and had developed their own coping mechanisms. My husband did not understand how I was feeling and I had no idea of what demons he was fighting off in his head.

I will never forget the day that he came to see me at work and broke down crying because he realized that he needed help. As a lifelong learner I had mentioned several times that he was exhibiting symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I don’t like to call it a disorder but an injury because First Responders should not be labelled. He finally agreed, but by this time he had been retired almost a year and the support from his Fire Department has been next to nothing. He reached out to his union representative who did not return his call and as a result my husband had to start advocating for his own mental health. It turned out that WSIB would no longer support him because he was no longer working in the industry; he was on his own. I give the Fire Department that my husband gave his blood, sweat and tears to for over 31 years a big “F” for failure in providing the emotional support and guidance in navigating help with his mental health and future diagnosis of PTSD (or injury).

The emergency field changes our First Responders and affects the family hugely. No one talked to me about what it’s like to love someone who loves taking risks. Have you ever heard the mantra that says “what kind of a job requires someone to run into a building normal people run out of?” I only hope that Fire Departments take a serious look at their exit strategy for retirees and not just their active Fire Fighters. It is when our new retirees are sitting idle at home while the rest of the family are at work or at school when the flash backs start to happen and the PTSD symptoms become severe. My husband was calling me at work asking me to come home because he did not want to be on his own. There were times that he was hearing voices to go outside in the backyard and promptings to end his life. I did not know what to do. As a Recreation Therapist by profession I knew how amazing animal-assisted therapy had been for the clients I worked with, so we decided to get a dog. It was the best decision we had ever made and Ruby was our saving grace while we searched for other interventions. She never left his side and always knew when he was not doing well. Families offer emotional as well as practical support and this essential service is done without payment, training or support. You could also agree that families face the same pressures for which mental health professional’s experience, but they may lack mental health training. This is probably why I ended up becoming a certified Life Coach because I knew that my own mental health was deteriorating and felt I had to look after my own self-care.

I have done so much research on PTSD and how different it presents itself for First Responders. Most are diagnosed with accumulative PTSD because it has been an accumulation of traumatic events they have witnessed over an extended period of time. Yet, they still continue to come home and try and live a normal life, even though nightmares become a regular occurrence. Being hyper-vigilant to loud noises and being startled very easily to becoming increasingly over-protective of their families to the point of harassing them when they are going to drive the car, go for a walk or ride their bike was the new norm for us.

Does any of this resonate with you? If it does I am so sorry to hear, but want you to know you are not alone. Communication between you and your First Responder spouse is the number one thing that is going to help you through this. My husband now feels safe sharing his feelings with me. He is learning to express himself when he is angry and I am able to ask him what he needs for support if he has a nightmare or flash back. I have helped him become more self-aware of his emotions and how to react safely. He is currently working with a therapist and has started working with horses as part of his recovery. He has even completed an equine apprenticeship and is actively seeking work in the horse industry. So for all of his peers out there who have made jokes and made fun of his decision to do this, hopefully if you read this blog you will get a better and clearer understanding of what his journey has been and be more supportive of his decision to work with horses.

If my story does not resonate with you I am so glad and grateful that you have some time to ensure strong communication becomes your mantra. Help your First Responder to create a safe space so they can confide in you when they need to share their emotions and off load what they are thinking. Social connection is one of the best interventions for helping someone through mental illness. My other piece of advice is to ensure you manage your self-care and look after your own mental health. No one else will do it for you. It is not easy being the spouse of a First Responder. No one wants to talk about the bad stuff. Our Fire Fighters are trained to keep their emotions in check and not bring work home with them. There are many FB Support Groups that you may want to reach out to. I only wish I had pursued a spousal support group years ago. I would not feel as alone as I did all these years. I have not been able to find a Canadian FB Support Group; specifically for spouses and maybe it is time I create my own.

There is a happy ending to my story. We are still working towards our communication skills. As a certified Life Coach I now possess the skills to communicate effectively and I am considering additional professional development in Trauma Informed Coaching and Trauma Sensitive Yoga. Our dream is to one day own and operate a small hobby farm in Canada, while offering retreat services for First Responders and their spouses. Using horses and the farm experience we hope to compliment therapy with the use of nature to reduce stress and increase relaxation and peace. We are about two years away from making this dream a reality. In the meantime I continue to be a mental health advocate through my business Pollock Coaching. I continue to promote positive self-care techniques I have learned over the years as a Recreation Therapist and new techniques through Positive Psychology. Please visit my website www.pollockcoaching.com to find out more about the services I offer or follow me on FB or IG.