Shame and shame resilience

I have not thought much about shame until I recently read a book by Brene Brown called Daring Greatly. She talked about developing resilience to shame. But what is "shame" and why is it so toxic? Based on a book called Future Grace there are two types of shame; 1) misplaced shame that can lead to toxic thinking and 2) well-placed shame that enables individuals to act in a positive way (Piper, 2011). The unfortunate reality is that most of us react to the misplaced shame and as a result can have crippling results if we do not know how to deal with it at its' root (Piper, 2011). Would you say that shame-based thinking is mostly self-centered? How amazing does it feel when you stand up for something you truly believe in. It is something that you are passionate about and gets to the core of your authentic self. This to me is an example of God-honoring.

On a personal note, making the decision to leave a lucrative job that was affecting my mental health makes me think I acted in a God-honoring way. Since this was God-honoring I should not feel shame, but then the self-centredness crept in. I started remunerating on the negative effects the decision had on my career path, my finances, and my self-worth. Until I was able to get a good handle on reframing my thoughts I would never have been able to cut off the debilitating effects of shame. I needed to learn shame resilience.

Brene Brown explains that the key to shame resilience is by embracing our vulnerability. "Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path," (Brown, 2012). In the end, we cannot let ourselves be seen if we are terrified by what people might think. When our self-worth isn't on the line, we are far more willing to be courageous and risk sharing our raw talents and gifts (Brown, 2012).

As a Christian, we have the promise of future grace and peace that comes through the forgiveness of our shameful acts (Piper, 2011). This is our resilience to shame which is shown by doing life together with our friends and family that believe and support the same way of thinking. Being able to be free of the misplaced shame is what we all need to do. It is important that we become aware of "shame" and guard our hearts against it. With your faith in God or whatever you choose to believe in, knowing that you are more than a painting, innovative idea, or business person is so important. As Brene explains, shame is a primitive human emotion that we experience. the reality is that shame is the fear of disconnection. It's the fear that something we have done or failed to do, an idea that we have not lived up to or a goal that we have not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection. I can so resonate with this!

When I left my job I felt such misplaced shame. The fears and anxiety I felt about what people would think and say haunted me for several months. However, I did have my faith, friends, and family to remind me that the decision was the best for me and that the opinions of others did not matter because I believe that a higher power has my back and is directing my future. This is a true example of self-compassion and empathy, which are elements of shame resilience. If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding shame cannot survive (Brown, 2012). Whether it is God or a special person that holds space for you; if they engage in self-compassion they are helping you develop shame resilience. This is necessary, yet a rare social concept that happens between two people.

If we cannot be gentle with ourselves we cannot become resilient. Dr. Kristin Neff has studied self-compassion and provides tremendous insight into it on her website www.self-compassion.org. Once we recognize shame and come to understand the triggers that initiate it, being critically aware of how you are feeling and responding allows you to reach out for help and express what exactly you need when you feel shame (Brown, 2012). Shame resilience is a strategy for protecting the connection, but the reality is that if we are not careful of keeping the thoughts of shame at bay, these triggers can wreak havoc on our brain and we enter into fight or flight mode. When we connect with someone or something that has empathy we are not focusing on the event or the circumstances and that is a good thing. Research has shown a huge improvement in physical health, fewer doctor visits, and significant decreases in stress hormones.

I wish to leave you with Brene Brown's powerful Ted Talk on Vulnerability